Someone needs to start a new airline service that doesn't require the TSA. No more metal detectors, no more wanding or pat-downs or confiscation of nail clippers and sporks etc. etc.. They would use their own airline security to X-ray and chem sniff all carry-ons to make sure there's no bombs.
After boarding, the Captain would make an announcement like this:
"Welcome to Vigilante Airlines! Before we takeoff, we'd just like to let you know our new passenger security guidelines. First - any Marines on board today's flight? That's fine - Soldiers? Good, good... Hells Angels? That's nice. Crips and Bloods? Don't make me separate you guys - play nice now. You guys are our security team."
"Okay,so here's the deal. We've scanned all carry-ons for bombs, and they're clean. So all we really worry about is physical hijacking."
"You may have noticed we've let you keep all your knives, swords, machetes, box cutters, brass knuckles and the like. Now we'll tell you why."
"IF a hijacking occurs - you can beat the crap out of whoever tries it. There will be a $100,000 reward and unlimited first-class travel passes for 5 years on Vigilante Airlines for the person or persons who stops an attempted hijacking."
"We do ask you to not kill the hijacker so that when we drop to 10,00 feet, we can safely open the rear hatch and let them out."
"If you think you're going to stage a hijacking to get the money and travel passes, or accuse someone of attempting a hijacking - remember, we'll turn you over to Homeland Security. That's a conspiracy and will get you a nice long stretch in the slammer complete with a large gay cellmate that performs daily "cavity searches"."
"So those are the new rules. We'll be taking off shortly, so welcome to Vigilante Airlines, where "WE pick you up, but getting to your destination is up to YOU!""
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